The Dysfunction of Cats
Originally published in Synthesis Weekly: July 2009
Cats are bullshit. I realize by saying this, I have now officially angered about half of the readers. Aside from the fact that I'm very allergic to them, cats are just so tempermental, impossible to predict, and grumpy as hell. They're similar to a premenstrual female with a raging hormonal imbalance. That's not to say I don't like some cats. I've come across some that are really sweet, usually kittens, too young to have developed whatever it is that makes them evil. I even used to have one, despite my horrible allergic reaction to them. I adopted her from the Humane Society, but unfortunately unbeknownst to me, her liver had been on the decline for about a year before I got her. Say what you will, but I've never been attached to a cat like I have to any of my dogs.
Even more irritating that dealing with a petulant pussy is coming across the elusive Hello Kitty enthusiast. You probably know at least one or two, and may or may not have noticed that something is awry. I won't deny that I had a fleeting attachment to the idiotic feline...when I was seven. I've noticed an alarming pattern in people, (primarily females unfortunately) who are obsessed with Hello Kitty. They seem to be frighteningly unbalanced in one way or another. Case in point: Mariah Carey has an entire room in her house dedicated to all things Hello Kitty. Her rabid fans do nothing to quell this strange affliction, sending her countless H.K. Paraphernalia.
So dear readers, the lesson today is two-fold. First, beware the certifiable H.K. fans. Secondly, do yourself a favor and pick up Ubu Bubu by Jamie Smart, (creator of Bear). Fans of Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, Squee, and anything from Slave Labor Publishing, will love this twisted series. A demon kitty, self proclaimed reaper of human souls and destroyer of innocents turns an average human home into his own Headquarters. The children that live in the house soon notice that their kitty isn't quite normal, and soon they find themselves imprisoned by this demonic feline. This self contained series is the exact opposite of the involved, tangled, storylines of the Marvel Universe. Someone could pick up any issue of Ubu Bubu and dive right in. Don't look for any deeper meaning or life-altering revelations within it's pages, and you'll be just fine. Take it at face value and enjoy!
That's all for this week, pick up a copy of Ubu Bubu and remember: beware the emotional pitfalls of the Hello Kitty fans. Trust me, they are inevitable.