Avian Zombie Flu
Originally published in Synthesis Weekly: February 2012
Holy dog shit. I am so unbelievably unmotivated to write this stupid thing right now. It’s 75 degrees outside and although I usually entertain a strict stay-in-my-fortress-of-solitude attitude (thanks in equal parts to my blindingly white skin and aversion to social interaction), I’m feeling highly motivated to be outside. It’s been so goddamn nice outside lately, birds chirping, flowers blooming, I feel like I’m in a classic Disney movie (without the overt racism and sexism). There was a dark spot on my week though, that occurred yesterday. I was riding my bike through lower Bidwell, scanning the road for sticks, rocks and other projectiles that might cause me to fall off my bike and knock my teeth out (a reoccurring and prevalent fear). I was rounding a turn and a feather floated down and brushed against my face. I don’t know if you, dear reader, are aware of how gross birds are, but they’re fucking disgusting. More diseases than the entirety of a downtown bar on a Saturday night, and that’s really saying something.
Anyway, this putrid, disease-ridden feather hit my face, and I immediately began sputtering like a lunatic, thinking it might find its way into my mouth. I’m clearly a neurotic piece of shit, so my first thought was that maybe the flying shitsnack the feather had dropped from had Avian Flu, and maybe now I had it, or some mutant form of it that would inevitably lead to becoming some sort of zombie who longed to fly. Note to self: next time you think it would be fun to watch a movie about sick people (last week it was Contagion), kindly remind yourself that you’ll be happier drinking whiskey and watching Seinfeld reruns. I like familiar things. Like Larry David and loneliness.
In any case, let’s move on, shall we? The good folks at Mattel are making a Hoverboard, although at $120 I think you’ll agree that it should actually hover, not just “glide and make whooshing noises”. It’s not all bad news though, as a man (nay, visionary!) has created a hoverboard that actually hovers through electromagnetism and lasers. Although it can’t support the full weight of a human, and especially not the fatties who run rampant in this country, it’s a start.
In other news, now you can tell someone to eat shit and they’ll have the realistic option of following up on that demand! Those wacky Japanese scientists have developed a meat alternative made from soya, steak sauce essence, and protein extracted from, yep, you guessed it, human feces. Oh Japan, you crazy ding dongs, what will you think of next? That’s all I’ve got for this week, if any of you see me shuffling and flapping my arms with bird-like enthusiasm, please alert the CDC.