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Synthesis - Columns

From 2008 to 2015 I wrote a weekly column for Synthesis Weekly under the name Zooey Mae. What started as an outlet to review graphic novels and comic books evolved over the years to cover everything from pop culture to whatever menial event was happening in my life. Looking back, I think I spent much too much time regaling Chico with tales of my allergies. 

Can We Send Hello Kitty To Degobah?

Originally published in Synthesis Weekly: June 2012

I know the following sentence might incite some of you to riot, but I’ve been feeling like Star Wars needs to settle down and stop churning out the S.W. themed merchandise. Star Wars is beginning to go the way of Hello Kitty, and you, dear reader, should know by now my thoughts on Hello Kitty. What’s that you say? You’re not familiar with my opinions on the HK brand? Well then, allow me to wax lyrical for a moment… or five. Hello Kitty is an abomination of epic proportions. If you’re over the age of twelve and you harbor an obsession with this feline monstrosity, you’d probably be better off trading in your current attire for a shit-stained robe and a pair of filth-laden slippers (HK brand of course), because the odds are you’re a psychotic piece of a crazy who is clinging to their broken childhood with an unhealthy grip and you should just speed up inevitable. Hello Kitty doesn’t even have a personality or back-story. I like to imagine there’s a real Hello Kitty, a Japanese quadruped who is roughly nine feet tall, wears a double-breasted gray suit and hides in an office on the top floor of a high-rise snorting a comically large pile of cocaine while it tries (unsuccessfully) to fit more gold coins in its vault (a la Scrooge Mc Duck). ANYWAY, Hello Kitty sucks. And one of the thing that sucks the most is how many completely unnecessary HK products exist. Star Wars is following that same unfortunate path, and has been for some time now. You can purchase an R2-D2 aquarium, Star Wars fishing tackle, a Jar Jar tongue sucker (foul-looking candy), and a Dagobah frog habitat. I feel like the douche-canoes in charge of coming up with new products just walk around, gacked out of the fucking minds, pointing to any random thing to turn it into something SW oriented to sell. “Look man… a spatula. We could totally put Chewie’s head on that and sell it for twenty bucks”.

On a lighter note, I saw Prometheus 3D last week, and it didn’t suck. Michael Fassbender is excellent, and Rooney Mara were especially enjoyable. I think this film is meant to pay slight homage to Alien, but at the same time leave room for exploring other future stories within the same framework, which it definitely does. It’s not a turn-your-brain-off-and-simply-watch type of summer flick, but it was interesting, and visually quite accomplished.

Lastly, Father’s Day was last Sunday, and I’d like to give a nod to the best guy I know, my Dad. Even though he fathered an asshole like me, he’s unfathomably kind, generous, has the patience of a saint and never believes anything but the best in people. If I can somehow eventually embody even a sliver of his accomplishments and personal success, I’d be happy camper. (happy camper, see also: not drink boxed wine on a Tuesday afternoon while yelling at cars on my street). I love you, Dad! 

Arielle Mullen