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Synthesis - Columns

From 2008 to 2015 I wrote a weekly column for Synthesis Weekly under the name Zooey Mae. What started as an outlet to review graphic novels and comic books evolved over the years to cover everything from pop culture to whatever menial event was happening in my life. Looking back, I think I spent much too much time regaling Chico with tales of my allergies. 

Goodbye, Testicles

Originally published in Synthesis Weekly: March 2013

I did not do well with the whole “spring forward” thing. This was evidenced by the three-day mega-funk I found myself in, complete with angry naps and panic attacks. Yesterday when my alarm woke me up, I was too tired to open my eyes and turn it off, so I just threw my phone (I set my alarm on my phone because I am a product of my generation) under my comforter at the foot of the bed to stifle the sound of pan flutes, or whatever the shit that stupid noise is supposed to be.

Later that same day, I caught my reflection in a window and realized that I must have had sleep crust in both my stupid eyes when trying to apply makeup. I looked like I’d channeled myself as a pilgrim in the third grade Thanksgiving play, with overdone blue eye shadow (I didn’t even know I owned blue eye shadow) and two bright-pink circles on my cheeks.

I haven’t been in elementary school for almost two decades so I’m out of the loop, but is that makeup formula still being used by moms at school plays? My favorite part about it was that they weren’t discriminatory. If there was a kid in the play – boy, girl, whatever – they were getting that combination of makeup on them. I have some really amazing pictures somewhere of my older brother at seven years old playing Tiny Tim. He had a mullet and the bluest eyelids you’ve ever seen. I should find those…

Speaking of odd beauty regimens, Wrangler – the people who brought you the jeans that make your ass look three feet long – is releasing a line of “moisturizing jeans for ladies.” According to the Vogue website, “the Denim Spa jeans ($85 – $135) comes in three finishes: Aloe Vera, Olive Extract and Smooth Legs, which aims to prevent cellulite… the effects of the ingredients last up to 15 days, but a reload spray will also be available to buy – meaning that the formula lasts between 67 and 95 wears.”

I don’t know about you guys, but I think I’ll just keep lubing up with canola oil and wrapping my legs in plastic wrap before I put my jeans on. Yes, I may have pools of sweat in my shoes by the end of the day, and there’s a weird crinkly noise whenever I walk, but boy oh boy is my skin soft every night.

Not to be outdone by women’s fashion, there’s a current Kickstarter campaign to create “Snowballs” – underwear for men with an integrated pocket for shaped cooling pads. Turns out heat is bad for testicles (if you’re actually trying to produce offspring, that is), which is why balls hang – to keep them away from the sweat factory AKA your body. They’re at $3,100 of their $20,000 goal with only 22 days to go, so if you’re one of those weirdos who actually want kids, hop on over to the Snowballs Kickstarter page and throw down some money.

Arielle Mullen