Writer | Editor
Untitled design (7).png

Synthesis - Columns

From 2008 to 2015 I wrote a weekly column for Synthesis Weekly under the name Zooey Mae. What started as an outlet to review graphic novels and comic books evolved over the years to cover everything from pop culture to whatever menial event was happening in my life. Looking back, I think I spent much too much time regaling Chico with tales of my allergies. 

Toilet of the Dead...

Originally published in Synthesis Weekly: April 2012

I went to a psychic once, about a year ago. It was an odd experience, something I had the opportunity to do for the low, low price of twenty bucks, a few hours of my time, and a slice of my ever-diminishing dignity. This wasn’t the type of psychic with a darkened room, a crystal ball and a fake mole (although that would have been way cooler). The woman I saw was more like a character from an Almodovar movie, where all the characters just sit around staring tensely at one another and making small talk that hints at deep and unresolved family issues. She stared at me for a while, squinting, then shifted back and forth in her chair and spouted some generic stuff about my family, older relatives, and the “life path” I really should be on. Surprisingly it had nothing to do with wearing footie pajamas all day and having a team of monkeys to bring me burritos, which was a total letdown and caused me to immediately both lose interest and dislike her. At first when I left I felt irritated, like I’d been totally ripped off (which I had). But as more time passed, it occurred to me that if I could travel all over the world and have people give me money to tell them vague half-truths about their life, I would totally do that too. Except my fee for magic gypsy fortunes (which is MY idea for what they’ll be called, so don’t steal it), would be first edition Sandman comics, the complete set of Game Of Thrones books, and (duh) whiskey. I guess my ill-conceived point is that there’s a potential audience for nearly every kind of creative endeavor, no matter how ridiculous or idiotic. Like Tyler Perry movies/TV shows. That shit is the worst.

Another case in point, there is a movie that exists called Zombie Ass: The Toilet Of The Dead. Directed by Noboru Iguchi (Machine Girl, RoboGeisha), this movie looks like it could go head to head with the epic fail (or success, depending on how you look at it), Thankskilling. If you’re unfamiliar with this gem, I demand you immediately stop reading this trite bullshit, go to your Netflix account, and watch it. Do it. I command you, it’s your magic gypsy fortune, which is on the house, just this once.

In other news, once again Facebook is making headlines by recently amending their Statement of Rights and Responsibility to reflect a current disappointing trend among employers. Apparently employers were asking potential hirers to provide access to their Facebook accounts, which seems like a ludicrous invasion of privacy to me. If I wanted my employer to know how often I watch videos of people after they get their wisdom teeth removed, I’d bring it up in the interview. Which isn’t a terrible idea. “My past work history? Well sir, we coulddiscuss that, or we could watch this hilarious and timely video of a little boy tripping balls after having oral surgery.” A winning strategy! Workforce, here I come. 

Arielle Mullen