Fuck You, Comcast
Originally published in Synthesis Weekly: July 2013
I had a really bad day today. I could explain all the small dumb things that added up to create a terrible day, but I won’t. Because really there was one thing that pushed my day from bad to fucking abysmal. In a word? Comcast. Mother. Fucking. Comcast. Do you guys realize the level of absolute fuckery that you have to go through as a Comcast customer? Of course you do. Because Comcast is a soulless, awful entity that has a near-absolute hold on the Internet service provider market. Is it so crazy to expect that when you sign up for a monthly service, that you receive a monthly bill in the mail? No. The answer is no, it is not ridiculous at all. Is it unreasonable to think that you can terminate your service without paying your bill, so that more charges don’t accrue? If you answered no again, you would be correct.
The douchenozzles at Comcast however, are apparently testing the limits of right and wrong. My theory is that the fuckwits running that joke of a company are conducting a giant social experiment to discover the limits of how much they can yank their customers around before they finally go somewhere else. It’s amazing how much abuse we consumers will accept being rubbed in our stupid faces without making a fuss. I imagine that there’s probably a set of top-secret charts and graphs somewhere at Comcast headquarters that show the direct correlation between the abuse a customer will tolerate in relation to the speed at which they can watch every Bad Girls Club episode ever created.
Anyway, my point is two-fold. I had a bad day. And Comcast is the goddamn worst. After coming to the realization that my life was in shambles (this “realization” didn’t last, don’t fret), I turned to the friend you can always count on to hold you in its warm, glowing embrace… the Internet. And now, for your entertainment, here are a couple of the dumb things I found that made me feel a little better, if only for a little while.
Io9.com is reporting that a Kickstarter-funded documentary about the creater of Calvin and Hobbes, entitled Dear Mr. Watterson, is coming to a screen near you. From their site: “The cast includes Berkeley Breathed (Bloom County), Bill Amend (Foxtrot), Stephan Pastis (Pearls Before Swine), Seth Green (Robot Chicken), and a ton of rabid collectors and fans.” Might I suggest a Dear Mr. Watterson party upon its release? Here’s hoping it’ll be less disappointing than season four of Arrested Development.
Next I stumbled over to HolyTaco.com, where I found a breathtaking list of the top ten cat photos from the Internet.
If you’re still feeling blue, skip on over to the featured interview with Nicole J. Georges conducted by yours truly. If that doesn’t work, try taking a whiskey nap (it’s exactly what it sounds like).